I always try to find the humour in situations, particularly when writing my blog. I'll warn you now that I'm struggling to see the funny side of this one- feel free to just resume the fun next time if this makes for uncomfortable reading- I promise not to be offended!
Today, an app showed me some pictures of a time long ago. A night out with friends- my best friend's hen do, in fact. I was surprised to find that the feelings associated with these pictures were very much bittersweet. There I was having a great night out, with the very best company for an unbelievably joyous occasion- but there it is, the fear in my eyes. Despite some serious levels of inebriation I can remember those photos being taken. I can remember because I knew the problems they would cause when I returned to reality. I knew what would follow when I left the safety of my friends and returned 'home'.
I know now that 'home' is sanctuary. Home is my absolutely favourite place to be- with Mr T and the small people, its where I belong. The time we're discussing here is before the time of Mr T. It feels very much as though I'm looking in on someone else's life. I was trapped in a very unhealthy relationship, I just couldn't see it.
I can remember the day I received the phone call from my bestie. "I'm getting marriiiiiiiiiiiiieeeed!!" followed by much squealing and excitement.
"Will you be my bridesmaid?" "Of course!!! EEEEEEeeeeeekkk!", grins all round. Then I hung up and turned around to an icy stare. My (then) boyfriend (and I hate that term but he was very much just a boy and in no way my 'partner' so its all I've got to work with!) was not so elated. The conversation went something along the lines of
"So are you even going to ask me if it's ok? You're going to stand up in a room and be leered at in a tight dress and I'm supposed to be alright with that?"
"Wait, what? I'll be wearing a nice bridesmaids dress and it will be a room full of family and friends that I've known forever, not a nightclub!"
"Oh, so you're laughing at me now? You know how I get, I can't believe you'd do this to me, its like you don't even care. I feel sick at the thought of you all done up like that being looked at and what about me? Where will I be, just sitting there by myself? Cheers! I can see how much I mean to you..."
And that was just the start. That was before things got really bad. When I think of an abusive relationship I think of bruises and broken bones. Let me tell you- this relationship caused me so much harm, but very little of it could be seen on the surface. I always used to think 'how and why do these people stay in such an awful relationship? Why don't they just walk away?', but now I know. In the beginning it was little things, a snappy comment about something I was wearing or assuming I was flirting with other men but swiftly followed by an apology and then an explanation as to how past girlfriends had always let him down and nobody had ever been faithful or stuck by him. I wanted to be different, I wanted to heal those wounds and be the one that he could trust- so I tried harder. I made an effort not to talk to other men alone and to dress a bit more conservatively so I didn't cause him undue worry. He was everyone's friend, a real nice guy so nobody ever suspected a thing. The thing with closed doors is, you never really know what's happening behind them. By the time things got serious it felt too late. I couldn't leave him after saying I loved him and be like all the others, he needed me. He didn't mean the things he was saying, he was just afraid of losing me. When friends and family tried to raise their concerns I grew defensive- he had told me they wouldn't understand and would try to tell me to leave him and he was right, nobody understood.
Whilst he never openly hit me, I felt tortured nevertheless. Little digs about my weight and how my clothes were all too tight. Knock after knock to my already fragile self confidence. He would keep me awake night after night with endless questions about whether or not I was going to let him down like the others, questioning me over and over about my day and conversations I'd had and people I'd seen, trying to catch me out and if I dared try to sleep anyway I was most definitely hiding something and lying and he would speak of harming himself. So I stayed awake and reassured him, hour after hour, day after day. I became run down and very ill but that just served to keep me indoors and away from everybody else and his hold over me grew more and more intense. There are so many things I could tell you but I still don't believe you would understand unless you too have experienced an unhealthy relationship. I truly believe that you cannot help or persuade someone to leave a relationship like this until they are ready, until they can see it for what it is. But you can be there, waiting for when that time comes.
What made me get out? I'm sad to say I actually decided to move in with this man, further isolated and away from the safety of my family. When things finally got physical and I came to harm, however minor- I could see where it was headed. I could see what lay ahead and I knew I couldn't be that person. At its very worst, I sat alone in a kitchen after the worst 'outburst' yet, believing I'd had a very narrow escape. I contemplated hurting myself to make it all stop and what a wake up call. I thought about my family, my parents- what would they think and feel if they could see me at this minute? I'd long since cut all ties with my friends and wasn't even 'allowed' to use the internet or my own mobile, but my parents would be ashamed of who I had become and that hurt more than any pain he could ever inflict. That was my turning point, that was the moment he lost power and I could see what was really going on. I stopped cowering from threats and even provoked an outburst at inopportune moments, where he couldn't manipulate me the way he had. I could finally see the emotional blackmail for what it was and the change was dramatic. I'll admit I was scared to tell him it was over- but he knew. He knew he had lost control of me and didn't even put up a fight.
It was at this point I sent out an apology to all of my friends for being so rubbish and hoped that some would come back. I soon found that the real ones, they hadn't actually gone anywhere- they were just waiting, where they had always been, with open arms. This is the point where Mr T entered my life as so much more than just a friend and helped me rebuild myself- but with a difference. He helped me be who I was supposed to be, who I am, not who he wanted me to be- but that's a whole blog in its own right!
My dearest friends, my L's, welcomed me back into the circle without a second thought. The good times really were good again and we managed to make up for a lot of lost time. They never judged me or punished me for being so crap, they just picked me up. I'm sad to say I let my dearest friend down on her wedding day all those years ago and I wasn't a bridesmaid and I'm so very sorry. I was there, in the room, wishing them all the happiness in the world but I will always be sorry that I didn't figure things out sooner and be there for the people who deserved me. I hope this goes some way to explaining all those times when I let people down without much explanation- but I'm here now and I can promise that I always will be, all the more stronger- whenever you need me.
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